


IRA / Romain

by Lenfercestautres



Series: Hail, Chaos Queen [1]
Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:09:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28845855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenfercestautres/pseuds/Lenfercestautres
Summary: Rue traverses her sobriety with the help of some new friends and some old ones.
Series: Hail, Chaos Queen [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115207
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	IRA / Romain

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy.

_ “God… _

_ Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change _

_ The courage to change the things I can _

_ And the wisdom to know the difference” _

_ “Keep coming back, it works if you work it because you’re worth it” _

The group chants in almost cult-like unison.

Rue let's go of the wrinkly hand holding onto hers and claps until the appropriate time to stop and reach to pull on her hood. As she looks around, she sees a few familiar faces, but not the familiar one she's used to. She breathes in the lysol scented wood paneling of the community center and reaches for her phone. She clicks the side button and watches as the screen goes from dark to light. Just two messages - one from Gia asking if she could pick up some hamburger meat on her way back from meeting and one from She Who Shall Not Be Named. 

She sighs to herself, and puts it back in her pocket. It hits the pills sitting at the bottom corner of the fabric. She goes to walk out the door and is stopped by a voice. 

"You looking for Ali?"

Rue jumps a little and turns around to see a woman looking at her with humor in her eyes and a smile on her face. Bright white teeth contrasted by the dark skin. Kinky hair neatly combed out to average proportions. Not as big as her moms, but not too small. Too well put together to be here that's for sure. She’s probably one of those people that got hooked on prescription pills for a few months, and now wants to express to the world her woes. 

Rue clears her throat to speak.

"I don't know what you're talking about.”

The woman smirks. "Ali is your guy. I see you guys talking outside every now and again. He call himself Minnesota Fat’s yet?” She has a twinkle in her eye while tapping her finger on the brown plastic chair, that Rue was just sitting in.

Rue’s mouth drops. “How did you know he calls himself Minnesota Fats?”

She laughs and slaps her knee. A few people look over at them, with smirks on their faces. 

She continues. “Our old sponsor used to call himself that. Bless his soul. I’m Erika. Ali texted me and told me he wasn’t going to make it tonight. He asked me to take you over to the diner and make sure Miss Marsha get a good tip. He told me to take you. Before I grab the wrong person, you're Rue? Right? He said biracial and surly, and you are for sure the surliest biracial kid in here, but I’ve been known to jump guns”

Rue gets uncomfortable. “Yeah. I’m Rue. Why wouldn’t Ali just text me?”

Erika shrugs and puts her hands in her chino pockets. “Probably to get you out of your comfort zone. You look like you're about to jump out of your skin, kid."

Rue looks up and then down at her black converse and back up again. "Listen... I don't know what Ali told you... but I don't need your help. I come here, because my mom and the rehab program said I should be here. I barely like talking to Ali as it is anyways. "

Erika nods her head with her lips pursed. She looks around at the wood paneling of the little community center that they call home for a few hours a week. "Listen kid, I ain't here to lecture you or beg you to come with me. Ali is my good friend. I have known him for 12 years. He didn't tell me anything about what you guys talk about. I'm just Erika. I usually go to meetings on Sundays, but I got a new job so this is my new NA day.”

Rue looks at her suspiciously. "Ali hasn't told you anything about me?"

Erika grabs a pack of cigarettes from her jean pocket. "All he told me was that you were very smart. Which is right up my alley. I can't stand stupid. You wanna walk? I gave up most of my vices, but I’m a nicotine addict. I used to robotrip in high school, and that was easier to give up than cigarettes.”

Erika starts walking towards the entrance without even looking at Rue. She shakes everyone's hands as she’s walking about. Even Pervert Rick. She wipes her hand on her pants, and Rue can’t help but laugh out loud. 

Erika turns around and winks. 

Rue doesn't know why, but she follows the woman.

They walk out the door, and the cool late afternoon air hits them. 

Erika grabs a lighter from her pocket and lights the fresh nicotine. She looks at the young girl. 

“You smoke?”

Rue shakes her head. “Only when I’m manic.”

Erika shakes her head. “Fair. Sorry.”

Rue taps her foot and looks at her bike. “So… how long have you been clean?”

Erika looks at her with one eye closed as the smoke tends to hit the eyes first. “I got clean when I was 28. And I am 39 now, 11 years. How about you?”

The curly headed teenager bites the inside of her cheek, feeling a salty iron in her mouth. “Seven months.”

Erika looks at her for a few seconds. “You’re lying.” She looks back out at the parking lot and waves at the older woman who got her one year chip tonight. 

Rue clenches her jaw in frustration. Annoyed that she’s exposed without any foreknowledge of it. So she could possibly prepare to hide herself. 

“What did Ali tell you?”

  
  


Erika blows out the smoke. "I told you, Ali only told me you were smart as a whip." She throws the butt of the cigarette on the ground and stomps it on with the toe of her Doc Marten loafer. 

Rue’s mouth gapes open. 

Erika puts her hands in her pocket. “I’m no Minnesota Fat’s, but my father was probably a drug dealer and my mother didn’t love me. I know when someone is lying. Plus, you hesitated." 

Rue doesn’t know what to do with that level of honesty from anyone, so she does what she does best. She attempts to push them away. 

"So what? Are you taking me to dinner to try and convince me to flush them down the toilet? Does Ali think you're going to be the final shove I need in my sobriety? Because you’re a woman, maybe we’ll bond in our femininity?”

  
  
  


Erika looks at the crushed tobacco on the ground and smiles. "Cute. You know, you have a beautiful family, Rue. I met your mother when she was here with your sister a couple weeks ago. I was on coffee duty in the back. I usually chill back there on a normal night, but they made me useful on Family nights, since I am the only one who brings in something worth drinking. She looked tired, so I hooked her up with a little extra. She was here for you, though. Without question. Having to relive the trauma that is your addiction for an audience of people she don’t even know. Your sister was such a polite kid. She just sat there. Her trauma on display. This ain’t no place for kids, you know?”

Rue face gets warm with embarrassment and guilt. She feels her eyes get heavy with moisture and her throat get hot with the knowledge of the emotions swirling in her body. 

Erika continues. "If you aint gonna get sober for them, then what do I matter? I just wanna buy you a grilled cheese sandwich or whatever it is you be eating. I will admit, my offer to buy you dinner is selfish. I hurt a lot of people in my life. I figure if I help you, maybe I can earn some redemption. Dont tell Ali I told you, but I think that's why he helps you as well." 

Rue watches Erika’s hands go for the pack of cigarettes in her pocket. 

Rue wipes a tear on her cheek, and bites her lip and tries to stifle a laugh. "Nah, he likes me. He tries to act like he doesn't, but he does. I like the waffles there. Don’t tell him though. He’s a pancake guy.”

Erika looks back at Rue. “I can keep a secret. I see you fly out of here on your bike, so I will meet you there.”

Erika takes her key fob out of her pocket and Rue hears the beeping of her car across the parking lot. 

She yells "what if I don't show up?"

Erika turns around, cigarette in her mouth, but keeps walking. "You're an addict. I won't take it personally."

Rue eyes go wide. Reminded of Fez at the Halloween party. In his permanently inebriated drawl. 

_ “Listen Rue, You a drug addict. I don't take anything a drug addict says personally, because I don’t believe nothing a drug addict says.” _

It hurt her feelings when he said it, because he was right. 

It hurts when all she does is prove to the people around her that she is nothing but an addict. She had to run to Lexi’s house last night for pee because her mom did a surprise piss test. It had been awhile, but it had caught her off guard.

_ “Rue? What are you doing here?” _

_ She looks at her sweat pant clad friend, who she knew would be there. She’s always there. _

_ “Hey Lexi. Listen my mom randomly wanted to test me. I need your help.” _

_ Lexi looks at her with disappointment that feels like a stab to the gut. The same stomach contractions she remembers when her OD started. Something easy to ignore until it isn’t. _

_ She watches as her friend walks upstairs slowly. Her eyes downcast and as she shakes from oncoming winter air.  _

_ “You know who you remind me of?” _

_ Rue looks up to see Ms. Howard looking at her with bloodshot eyes from the couch with a glass of wine in her hands. _

_ The TV blaring something from TLC. Suze since she could remember, always loved that channel. Even when it went from learning, to terribly scripted reality shows. The only thing consistent in her life.  _

_ Cassie and Lexi’s mom continues. “You remind me of their father. He had his problems too. Which I'm sure my kid told you. She can’t keep a secret to save her life it feels like when it comes to you. Anyways, Lexi always did what she could for his approval as well. But it was never enough. Nothing his family could give him was ever enough. It couldn’t be when the competition is a drug.” _

_ The matriarch pauses and for a few seconds Rue thinks that's it. Until she speaks again.  _

  
  


_ “That's a stone cold realization Rue-Rue.”  _

_ Ms Howard puts her feet on the floor and stares at it. Saying a soft prayer that it finally swallowed her. Hoping again for the umpteenth day since she realized she couldn’t stop shaking unless she had a glass of wine. “That the one you love, will never love you as much as they love the fix. Lexi realized that about you a long time ago. Thank god she had a really good reference point, huh?” _

_ Ms. Howard winks at her and continues. “ But she doesn't give up. It's why she will succeed in life. She has tenacity. Even in the face of glaring indifference.” _

_ They stare at each other in understanding, knowing that the damage they have both done to the Howard girls, won't just go away if they decide to get clean. It was permanent scars. The kind where the scab is picked at long after the wound decides to heal.  _

_ The soft stomping of feet on the stairs breaks the pause and Rue looks at her friend. The uncomfortable look on her face and the Aleve bottle in her hand.  _

_ Lexi hands Rue the bottle and looks at her. “Did you want to hang out tomorrow? Maybe, go skating? I heard about Jules, and I’m sorry Rue.” _

_ Rue can't stand the longing in Lexi’s eyes. The desire to forgive Rue. So she refuses to look. “I, uh, I can’t. I have to help my mom with some stuff in a few hours and then I have to wake up early for my NA meeting tomorrow.” _

_ Lexi nods her head. Devastated by the lie. But she keeps a smile on her face. Because that is who Lexi is. Even when the world is falling down around her, she keeps a smile on her face. Rue always fears the day that the smile cracks. When Lexi finally gives up on her. When everybody gives up on her.  _

_ “Oh okay. Well if you need anything. Let me know. I did the homework already so if you need it. Maybe we can do that English project together? Sorry to annoy you. I just miss you Rue.” _

_ Rue’s chest filled with regret and anger at herself and Lexi’s mom. She looks past Lexi and see’s Ms. Howard staring at the TV, but obviously listening to the conversation. She has a sad smile on her face. One that says “I told you so”  _

_ She has to stop bile rising in her throat. The result of being in on this sick joke called life.  _

_ Rue grabs Lexi and gives her a hug. She leans down to her friend's ear and speaks. “I love you Lex. You matter to me I swear… I’m sorry about everything. Please don’t take anything I do personally." _

_ She pulls back and Lexi is looking at her with shock.  _

_ Rue walks away noting the fire in her back as Lexi watches her retreating. Life is so fickle that she feels she needs to let everyone in her life know that she loves them.  _

_ She runs back to her house and climbs on the bucket and climbs back into her room. Feeling the bottle taped to her leg and the warm liquid sloshing around. She walks to her room and opens the door and sees her mom waiting for her and Gia standing at her room’s threshold just watching, picking at her fingernails and cuticles with her teeth.  _

_ “Rue. I need for you to take this test. Please.” Rue’s mom is waiting at the door of the bathroom. _

_ Rue rolls her eyes. An automatic expression of frustration. Criticizing her mom's intuition like it isn’t correct. She winks at her sister and watches Gia smile a little bit. _

_ Rue sits down and her mom turns around. Rue positions the bottle and goes for it.  _

_ Her mom sighs. “I don’t like doing this Rue. It makes me feel like I have failed. As a parent. It makes me feel as if your father would hate me for how you turned out. I hate this part. I hate this feeling.” _

_ Rue looks at her moms back and speaks quietly. “I’m sorry mom. For making you feel that way.” _

_ She goes to stand up and zips up her pants, and her mom turns around reaching for the cup.  _

_ Her mom grabs the test from her robe pocket and throws it in the cup. Feigning indifference to whatever the results are. _

_ “Clean. Thank you baby.” _

_ She smiles at her mom and walks back into her room. Standing in the middle. Not knowing what to do until her NA meeting the next day. She doesn’t really feel like going to a party and she doesn’t have school in the morning. She has close to 24 hours to blow until her next NA meeting, so she decides to binge watch some reality TV. _

  
  


Rue rolls into the entrance to the diner and sees Erika’s car in front. At least she thinks thats her car.

An all black Tesla. Rue locks her transportation to the side of the building. 

Rue knows nothing about cars or Erika but she knows that Tesla’s are expensive and that Erika got clean, so Erika must be doing something right. 

She walks over to the car to stare at it. She looks closer at the rearview mirror and then all of a sudden the alarm goes off and she falls to the ground. 

She looks into the diner window and sees Erika and another waitress laughing. 

Rue raises her middle finger from the ground and gets up and wipes the gravel from her pants. 

Walking into the diner she sees people looking at her with an amused look and she shakes her head. 

She hates this woman already. 

She sees Miss Marsha and waves. The older black woman waves back and goes back to counting her tips. 

“Look who showed up.” Erika says with a jovial smile on her face. 

Rue slams into the diner booth and looks at her. “You almost gave me a heart attack. Would that have made you feel good? Killing a 17 year old?”   
  


Erika shrugs. “A little, yeah. I got you some coffee. We might be here for awhile if you really are as smart as Ali says you are.”

Rue shakes her head. “I just came for the waffles. You said it was your treat right? I don’t have any money.”

Erika grabs her water and takes a sip. “Yeah it's my treat. You’re paying me back by answering my questions though. Honestly. "

Rue looks up with wide eyes. 

Erika raises her hand without breaking eye contact with the teenager. “First lesson. Nothing in life is free.”

Miss Marsha comes over and smiles at them both. “Hey Rue. Hey Erika. Where's the third stooge?”

Errika goes to speak. “Hey Miss Marsha. Ali had to miss the meeting tonight. He told me to grab this heathen and make his weekly donation on his behalf”

Marsha stifles her laughter and smacks Erika on the shoulder. “Erika. Don’t give this little girl hell. She’s actually nice. Nicer than you were, I'll tell you that much. She usually gets the waffles, except when she’s with Ali. Then she grabs the pancakes, because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. And you get the cheeseburger with no tomato or onions. With a side of steak fries. And a milkshake when you finish. The drugs aint have to kill you, but that food will.”

Erika hands the menu back. “You sound like my mother.”

Marsha raises her eyebrow. “Now, you know that's a lie.” Rue watches Marsha walk away. 

“How do you know Marsha? Enough to joke like that?”

Erika takes another sip of water. “She was a sponsor of mine a few years ago. Our orders are already probably done knowing her. My turn. How long you been using?”

Rue starts fiddling with her fork. “4 years. Give or take a few months. Rehab stint last summer.”

Erika nods slowly. “Why did you start?”

Rue shrugs. “I dont know”

Erika raises an eyebrow. "Lying is terrible for your health. Try again"

Rue looks up at the ceiling. Her foot jiggling under the table. “I got into it when My dad died I guess. He…”

Erika looks at her. 

“... You know. Cancer. They gave him pain pills. He told me it stopped the hurt. I wanted to stop the hurt and it did for a while.”   
  


“Thank you.”

Rue looks bewildered. 

Erika continues. "For respecting me enough to tell the truth. You could've walked out the door. Would've been messed up though, cause you just ordered your food and i still have to pay for it whether you eat it or not.”

Rue's foot stops jiggling. "Was that a test or something?"

Their conversation interrupted by their plates being set down. 

Burger for Erika. Waffles for Rue. The young girl grabs her fork and starts cutting up her food. 

"Thank you Miss Marsha." She heard in the background of munching. 

She looks at Rue. 

Rue stares back at her in confusion. 

"Rue. Say thank you."

Rue looks up. "Oh. Thank you."

Erika snorts. “Kids these days.”

Rue rolls her eyes. “Okay boomer.”

Erika taps her burger. “First, I’m a millennial too. I was born in 1980. You don’t even got your generations right. Second, being polite is important. First part of my humanity I had to get back when I got clean.”

Rue speaks as she cuts into her waffles. “What do you mean by humanity? You’re a human. You’re alive.”

Erika goes for the ketchup and taps the glass against the cheap generic diner plate and watches as the high fructose red sauce falls out. “Being alive don’t automatically mean you are inundated with humanity. Serial killers lived. It dont mean they had humanity.”

Rue watches as she measures out the ketchup and pushes the burger away from it. “Food can’t touch huh?”

Erika looks up at her and looks down at the plate. “You noticed that? Sorry. OCD be whippin my head. It’s not severe to the point where I gotta touch door handles a million times before I leave my house. It’s just… inconvenient.”

Rue nods her head. “yeah. I feel you. Is that why you did drugs?”

Erika puts her finger up as she takes a drink of her water, she clears her throat as she finishes. 

“Me first. How do you hide your drug use from your mom? She ain’t like my mom. She ain’t care. Your mom does. You can feel it in the way you carry yourself. The Shame it sits on your shoulders. "

Rue puts her feet on the seat that she's sitting on. Fidgeting nervously. 

Like she can read her mind Erika says “Don’t get nervous now. You are an addict. You're already embarrassing. It’s what the disease does. I’ve pissed myself on the streets of Seattle. This literally can’t be worse. Go ahead.”

Rue takes a deep breath. “I take advantage of the fact that she's always tired and working. She works two jobs. Weekdays she works as a receptionist at this clinic. She does it mostly for the insurance because of me. On the weekends she will pick up morning shifts at a coffee shop in the next town over. It's easy to sneak past her when she’s about to pass out from exhaustion doing these jobs that are beneath her in every way. And I know Gia doesn’t say anything because she can’t take the arguing. I think honestly think she might have PTSD.” 

Saying it out loud Rue feels like a monster. Goosebumps on her arms as the words reverberate in her skull. 

Erika doesn’t judge her. She just takes a big bite out of her burger and nods, ignoring that confession Rue has just made. “Do you know what her dream job was?”

The parking lot of the motel/diner looking more interesting than Erika’s face when she says it out loud. “She said she just wanted to be a good mother. Which seems super 50s in reality, but I truly think she meant it in the best way possible. Her mom wasn’t the greatest person in the world, so she said we were her shot to show that being a good mother is possible. She wanted to get it out of her blood. I ruined those plans."

Erika nods her head and grabs a french fry. “You being an addict, don't make her a bad mother. It don’t make you a bad kid, either. It makes you completely insufferable sometimes probably. The fact she hasn’t thrown you out on the streets makes her a better mother than you realize. There are times she most definitely has wanted to, but she didn’t. The bible calls that long suffering.”

Rue feels tears breaching her eyelids. “Is that what your mother did?”

She watches as the older woman grabs a napkins and wipes her hands. “Worse.”

Rue shakes her head. “What's worse than living on the streets.”

Erika looks at her. “Realizing she didn’t care if I lived or died. My mother didn't care about me. That shame you carry with you, it starts becoming more rare the deeper you fall into your addictions. I didn’t have that until my 30s. She didn’t care if I passed in school. She didn’t care that I was drinking 6 packs of beer in my room. She didn’t care that her boyfriend was the first one to sell me actual narcotics. Bought them with the money she gave me from her purse. Cold world.”

Rues eyes widen. Sparkling in the sun that's slowly setting. “Your mom didn’t care if you did drugs?”

“No. Why would she? She didn’t love me.”

Erika grabs her burger off the plate and continues. “Thats what I meant when I said you had a beautiful family. They showed up for you, kid. They didn’t do it because they thought it would make them comfortable, they did it because they love you, unconditionally. Love like that is rare in our world. We’re hard people to love.”

Rue’s nose runs a bit and she wipes it off with her sleeve of her dad’s hoodie. SHe feels her phone buzz and sees a message on the lock screen. 

Erika puts her food down. “Who’s on the phone?? You keep checking it.”

Rue puts it facedown. “Nobody. So why did you start using?”

Erika taps her fingers on the table. The noise is rhythmic and soothing. “Well I used drugs to feel the warmth of not having loving parents and being abandoned emotionally at such an early age. That’s what my therapist says at least.”

Rue chews. “But you don’t believe her.”

Erika sits back. “Nah I believe her, but I think there is a part they miss about all of it. Drugs are really cool and they have the ability to put you in another world. Especially when your reality feels rather meaningless. I was a smart kid growing up in a warzone. Baltimore in the 1990’s. What else was I supposed to do? I had very few choices, so I buckled down, got high, did my schoolwork and got out. It's weird how good I was at being a high functioning alkie at the tender age of 15 years old.”

Rue stops chewing. With a waffle still in her mouth she asks "wait, you're an alcoholic?"

Erika goes to take a bite of her burger and looks at her strangely. "Yeah?"

Rue swallows while holding up her finger and taking a sip of coffee. SHe puts the cup back down on the linoleum setting. "And you're in NA?"

Erika sets her burger down and wipes her hands on each other. "Yes. I ended up on vics and Hydrocodone back in the 2000s, when they were relatively easy to get. Then heroin in 2005. I am also in CA."

"CA?"

"Cocaine Anonymous"

"So you were on cocaine?"

"Yeah. That stuff is amazing. Got me through college."

Rue stops eating. “You went to college?”

  
  


Erika nods. "Surprised? Being a high functioning addict has its benefits for sure. But it does more damage in the long run. I performed decent on drugs and I had little shame in my ability to do so. I was like… Charlie Parker."

"Charlie Parker?" 

Erika stares at the young girl. "You're young so I can't hold that against you. But he was one of the greatest jazz musicians of all time, who shot enough dope to take down a baby elephant. He was still great while being high. Which is a dangerous place to be in. You think you're invincible."

Rue looks at her. “How did you afford college? I thought people from the hood…”

Erika smiles. “Were poor? A lot are and were. But my mom’s boyfriend was a con man and a dope boy. Drug money went a little further in the 90s. I asked for my mom’s boyfriend to pay for my college and they would never have to see me again. To them, it was a small price to pay to get me out of the apartment.”

“What did you study?”

“I got a degree in engineering.”

“What school did you go to?”   
  


“Howard University."

"Do you go to AA?"

"No." Erika takes another bite of her food. “This is so good. They really did their thing back there.”

Rue waves her hand in front of Erika’s face. “Hey how come you aren’t in AA?”

Erika grabs a napkin and wipes her mouth and waits to swallow before speaking again. "Because there is nothing worse than being in a room full of recovering alcoholics. No one feels worse for themselves. Heads heavy, talking about how they killed some kid behind the wheel. At the beginning of a work week. Ain’t nobody trying to hear all that. I stay away from alcohol specifically so I never have to go there again”

Rue tries not to smile. She knows it's bad, but that's how she feels about NA. “So why are you in NA?”

She points the straw she is playing with, at the older woman helping some customers. “Miss Marsha. She used to watch me come in here zooted out of my mind. I lived a few miles away in the tent city near the underpass. This was about 11, 12 years ago. She told me she wouldn’t serve me no more unless, I went to one meeting with her. She held my hand the entire time. I was in tears and the whole nine. That's when I met Ali.”

Rue looks at Miss MArsha with dull eyes. "And then you got clean."

"No" said Erika. "I avoided this place for months like the walls were crawling with leprosy, after that night. I ended up in the city trying to find a place as warm as this but without someone as warm as her. I couldn't take the thought of someone caring about me enough to want me to get better. I couldn't take that. Too much on my plate."

Rue takes a bite of her food. Thinking about Lexi and Fez. 

Rue shakes her head. "Okay so why CA?"

Erika smiles and points with the straw she had been playing with. "Because CA is the best sober party you will ever attend in your life. Its for addicts who prefer to smile."

Rue shakes her head with a skeptical look on her face. 'Yeah right. I do not believe you.

Erika shakes her head. "It is. They're more hardcore there. They're brutally honest with themselves. We make sure that we dont hide what we were. We don’t cry. We don’t have time. We’ve already spent too much time feeling sorry for ourselves. I start every ask remarking that I wished I was high right then and there.”

Rue looks up at her with an eyebrow raised. “Recovered addicts are allowed to say stuff like that?”

Erika nods at her. "Of course. You can say whatever you want. Who is going to stop you? and I’m a recovering addict. A grateful one.”

Rue pulls her neck back. "I thought you said you’ve been clean for 11 years? Did you relapse recently or something?”

The darker woman looks at Rue solemnly. "We're all recovering addicts. Doesn't matter how long we have been clean. This is a lifelong disease. One that we can believe is gone after 30 days, ignore triggers and let them metastasise of course or we can do the hard work of recovery and confront our pain daily."

Rue starts pushing her food back and forth on her plate and sighs.

Erika eyes her for a few seconds. “Oh no.”

Rue looks up and at her. 

Erika shakes her head. “You don't want to do the work.” 

Rue puts down her fork and puts her head on the table. 

Erika stares at the maroon hoodie. “Closing your eyes and hiding in your quadruple XL sweatshirt ain’t gonna make this go away.”

Rue looks up at her. “I just don’t know why I can’t stay like this. Why do I need to do work just to be unhappy and sober?”

Erika grabs a cigarette out of her pocket and just taps it on the table. “You know this is the longest I have gone without a cigarette in about a year. The last time was when I had to collect an award for my work and I had to sit there and fiend.” 

Rue looks at the cigarette. “You can go out and smoke if you want to.”

Eriak shrugs. “I dont want to. Let’s get back to your question. You asked me, Why do the work if you’re only going to be unhappy and sober?”

“Yes.”

“How do you know you’re going to be unhappy when sober?”

Rue looks at her with a look. “Because I was sober for 14 years before I started and all of them were exhausting. The meds. The doctors visits. My mom and dad just looking at me with disappointment that I wasn’t perfect. It was annoying. I don’t want to go back to that.”

Erika nods her head and purses her lips. “That’s fair.”

Rue continues. “And I know. Everyone is telling me I need to get clean and sober. But they’re not even clean and sober. No they’re not on narcotics like I am, but come on. You smell like a walking ashtray. Ali helps people because he doesn’t have family and thats how he can feel like he’s making up for time he didnt get with his kids. My little sister is a weedhead now. My mom’s a workaholic. And I know why she did it.. she needed to keep us fed, but it just felt like she hid at the office when my dad died. Cassie is addicted to sex. Lexi is addicted to this need for approval. Addicted to knowing she’s never going to get it. I feel like the only person who isn’t an addict is Fez, but he feeds our habits, so he’s worse. Jules is… just… I dont even want to get into her. Everybody is always pointing their fingers at me and judging me about how terrible I am. And I get it, I’m a terrible person, but it all just feels a little one sided.”

  
Rue feels a little winded, but it feels like she got out 7 months worth of frustrations in one long sentence. 

Erika just grins. “That’s what I’m talking about Rue.”

Rue looks at her like she’s lost her mind. If Rue had been on the other side of something like that she would have flown out of the door, but Erika is amused. “Why are you smiling?”

Erika slaps the table. “Because you were just honest with yourself for the first time in probably months. Years. Quite possibly your whole life. You just went in balls to the walls.. you were just tits out man... just naked to the world.. This calls for milkshakes” The older woman raises her hand and puts up a finger. She looks at the curly headed girl and raises an eyebrow. 

  
Rue shakes her head no. 

Erika grabs the cigarette on the table and continues to tap it. "I got a question for you."

Rue looks at her new friend. "Shoot."

"What do you want out of this life?"

Rue looks perplexed, as no one has ever asked her that question sincerely before. 

Erika taps the cigarette more furiously now in rhythm with her leg. She wants a cigarette badly. But she's holding out for Rue. 

Rue appreciates it, so she answers honestly. "I don't know. This town is all I know." 

Erika nods her head. "Figured. Explains the naivete."

Rue's face scrunched up in slight anger and irritation. 

She watches as the milkshake is placed down on the table and Erika looks at her with a twinkle in her eye. 

"What do you mean by naivete?"

Erika grabs the cherry on top of the milkshake and pulls the stem out. "It means that your view of the world is small."

Rue grabs her straw and throws it at Erika. "I know what naivete means. I mean why did you call me naive."

Erika holds the cherry stem in her hand and ties it into a knot. "Because it's what you are. It's not an insult."

Thr burgundy hoodie clad teenager scoffs. "It sure feels like an insult."

Erika stirs her spoon in her milkshake. "The cookies are the best part. They always hook me up with extra cookies." 

Rue just stares at her. 

Erika sighs. "Listen it wasn't an insult. If I wanted to insult you, I'd comment on how raggedy you look. You yourself said that you don't know much outside of this town."

Rue puts her hands into her pockets and pulls her feet onto the bench. "That doesn't make me naive. I don't know what that makes me. But not naive. Maybe, inexperienced."

"That's literally the definition of naive, Rue."

Rue looks at the woman across from her eating her milkshake while frowning. "I literally almost died."

Erika looks at her. "That doesn't make you not naive. That makes you a casualty. YOU DID DRUGS and almost died. It's a product of doing drugs."

"I just don't understand how almost dying from an OD means I'm naive. That's pretty traumatic."

Erika puts down her glass. "Almost dying doesn't make you gully. Especially from drug use. Again, that makes you a casualty of the disease. It ain’t a terrorist attack. We all knew the endgame every time we snorted, smoked or shot up."

Rue looks perplexed. "Excuse me? Gully?"

Erika rolls her eyes. "East Coast slang. Sorry Miss Madam. Almost dying doesn't mean you're tough."

"Death is horrifying." Rue tries to explain. 

Erika grabs her wallet out of her jacket pocket and grabs two twenty dollar bills out of it. "Life is horrifying. Death is sleep."

The stare at each other - Rage on Rue's face and a smirk on Erika's. 

"I like you kid, but all that rah rah bravado, it don't move me. You think you're tough because you almost died? That's what's supposed to move me? I grew up in Baltimore in the 90s. Where there was a trap in every apartment building, and a dead crackhead prostitute on every avenue. 11 year olds getting killed by something they couldn't control. Come up with something else."

Rue shakes her head in disgust. "You don't get to say that to me."

Erika reaches for the errant cigarette that she's been playing with all night and puts it between her lips. "Why not?"

Rue looks at her. "Because no I wasn't raised in the hood and around crackheads, but my life and me almost losing it matters just as much as anyone else's. I almost died. My sister saw me OD. I lost my father."

Erika nods her head with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. "I didn't realize you cared that much."

Rue sneers. "Of course I care."

Erika nods again. "Hard to believe with those pills still in your pocket."

Rue feels her heart drop to her feet. 

Erika moves out of the booth and stands next to it watching a range of emotions go through the young girls face. "You've gotten so good at lying you almost believed yourself didn't you? Goodnight, Rue. I'll see you next week."

Erika begins to walk to the exit. Stopping to shake hands with the servers in her line of vision. 

Rue just sits there watching this woman. 

Miss Marsha walks up to the table and collects the bills and grabs the plates. "Is she your new sponsor?"

Rue shakes her head no. "She's a little too tough for me. Has she always been that mean?"

Marsha sits down in front of Rue and grunts. 

"When Erika is tough with someone, it's because she sees something in them that they can't see in themselves. Because sometimes she sees herself in others and realizes the path that they're taking and she will fight 16 rounds to make sure they don't end up where she was."

Rue looks at Marsha. "And where was she?"

"I will let her tell you that."

Rue sighs. 

Marsha looks at Erika engaged in a conversation with one of the servers. "Erika is rough around the edges, but you want someone like her in your corner. Even the ones that you've painted yourself. I'll say one more thing than I gotta get back to work. I called Erika one time because one of my girls just needed to get clean, but didn't like the clinic since she was assaulted once there. Erika nursed her back to health. She went back to school just to get an associates in nursing. She was a substance abuse nurse for years. She just recently got back into engineering. As you can tell by that obnoxious car, the money is better with Engineering. But she needed her soul back and that's why she became a nurse. She's a good woman. She doesn't think so, but she is.”

  
  


She watches Miss Marsha get up and walks over to Erika. Erika says something that makes Marsha giggle and laugh. Rue smiles from afar with tired eyes. 

Erika walks out the door with the cigarette in her mouth. She lights it. 

Rue feels the table buzz beneath her and she sees another text message from Jules. 

_ “Hey I hope you are doing well. I’ve been staying with my mom. Don’t worry about me.” _

Rue just looks at her phone and rolls her eyes. 

Why Jules keeps sending her text messages when she had the audacity to leave, is bothering her. 

“Don't worry about me? You’ve gotta be kidding me” Rue whispers to herself angrily.

Rue looks outside and sees Erika smoking a cigarette and dancing to no music. 

She looks happy. Rue feels envy bubbling up in her chest. 

She reaches into her pocket and finds a dollar and leaves it on the table. Ashamed because it had a little blue residue on it. She walks down the aisle between the booths and taps Marsha’s shoulder. “Hey I left a little something… it’s not much…”

Marsha looks at her and puts her hand on Rue’s face. “Thank you Rue. I’ll see you later. Promise that you’ll come and visit this old lady. “

  
  


Rue nods and walks out the diner door and starts walking towards the black woman leaning on her black car

Erika looks over and sees the young girl upset. She smiles. "Back for more so soon huh?" She’s near the butt of her jack and tosses it into the darkness. She reaches into her pocket for another. 

  
  


Rue’s fingers tighten as they squeeze into a fist. “I just don't know what you want from me.”

She watches as Erika brings her lighter up to the end of the cigarettes and tries to light it but her hands are too cold to really get a grasp on the wheel mechanism of her white BIC lighter. Mixture of the ice cream and the winter air. Which isn't really winter compared to her east coast upbringing. 

She sees Erika getting irritated - with her or with the lighter - she hasn't been able to gauge yet. She finally lights the cigarette, takes an obnoxiously long inhale and breathes out. 

  
  


“You still don’t get it. It ain’t about what i want Rue. It ain’t about what Ali want. Not what your sister, mama, your friend on the phone or the other folks you mentioned. What do you want?” She points the smoldering cancer stick. 

Rue looks out at the street. “Honestly, I want out of this conversation.”

Erika laughs and smoke comes out of her nose. “Girl you caught me mid pull. You trying to kill me?”   
  


Rue looks at her with a tired smile waiting for her coughing fit to pass. “It’s payback for earlier. You really gotta get off those things man. I am by no means the best figurehead in the campaign for sobriety.. but I'm Pretty sure cigarettes have caused more death than opiates in the past year. You've smoked half a pack in in the three hours I've known you "

The older woman winces. “Duly noted..”

They go silent for a while. Enjoying the silence. Erika almost regrets breaking it with reality. She sighs heavily. 

“What?” Rue finds herself asking. 

Erika looks at her and blows smoke sideways and throws the butt away as she continues. “I remember my first sponsor was sitting out here with me in the exact place we are now. He had to buy my meals for the first couple weeks. I was still blowing money on drugs. Evan Williams. Nine dollar rot gut. You know my favorite thing about being an addict, Rue?”

Rue shakes her head. 

Erika goes for her pocket and grabs another cigarette from her pack. With the same swiftness she’s had all night, she lights it quickly and inhales. She continues. "We're hustlers. I loved the hustle. By the end, I hated the feeling, but I loved the reward. We don’t let nothing stop us from getting our fix. Heaven and hell couldn’t stop me when I wanted to get high. How many times have you woken up with nothing in your pocket, but still was able to get drugs a few hours later?”

Rue snorts. “So many times. I remember one time, I rode my bike all around town, going to all my friends asking them all for 2 bucks. Got workout and my drugs” She looks back fondly at the memory. 

“That's what our day is, when we’re active. It’s all so simple. We don’t have to think. We don’t have to feel. We don’t need anyone. There’s no pain there. All while being the smartest thing moving within a two mile radius.” 

Rue breathes out. “You’ve felt like that?”

Erika nods. “Yeah. I would just use and sit in a room and zone out. Talk to myself. I was my own best friend. I didn’t need people. My best friends were in my head. Drugs were my own private island.”

The gravel beneath them moves with Rue’s feet. “I feel like that.” The cool night a welcome reprieve from the heat she has felt these past couple hours. 

The older woman flicks the ash off of her cigarette, watching the embers light up the night like noxious fireflies. “I know you do. But that island, Rue. The sun goes down. Those snow capped mountains, become jagged shadows. That beautiful white sand becomes glass that cuts our feet. That island becomes our enemy. It becomes our prison. The ships that pass us by, come by with less and less frequency. Soon, we are on that dock, at the end of it. With only enough will to scrape up a few choices.”

Rue shakes with what's coming next. 

“We can either take the next ship that come, that last bastion of hope that has been handed to us or jump into that ocean. Drowning. Hitting the bottom, with the rest of the other dope addicts. Or wither away on that stretch of land in the middle of life’s ocean."

Rue opens her mouth to try and speak, but nothing comes out. 

“Cold world, ain’t it? You know how many kids died from an overdose last year? I read up on this stuff. Guess how many. ”

The teen shakes her head. Her eyes went up and down. “1500.”

“Over 4000. You know how many people have overdosed since the turn of the millenium?”

Rue sighs again. 

“750,000. That’s like one 9/11 a month for the past 18 years.”

Rue just stays quiet. 

Erika takes the last puff of her cigarette and throws the butt on the ground. Already fiending for another. “Tragedy that nobody cares about. That's why this disease is so frustrating. It’s a genocide, Rue. On you and me. That’s cold ain’t it?” 

Rue decides to speak. “I’ve been doing pretty well so far, other than the unfortunate overdose last year. I can control it. I just have to know how much to take. And get drugs i could trust.” 

As soon as the sentence leaves her mouth, she realizes what just left her mind. Her method of thinking. And it scares her. For the first time, in this seemingly endless journey, it scared her. 

Erika puts her hands in her jacket pockets and stares at the buttons, shaking her head. “You could quit drugs tomorrow and you would still have a problem. Jesus Rue, do you hear yourself?”

Rue pales and tries to stutter her way through an explanation. She can’t, and she just falls silent. 

Erika looks at her with sadness on her face. “This corner you’ve painted yourself into. This is where you wanna die isn’t it?”

  
  


The noise between them is pregnant. The only sounds being made are the cars passing them in the night and laughter from a couple walking into a vacant motel room. 

Erika speaks again. “I lost my best friend when I was 11 years old. We decided we were going to walk to school. It was one of the first warm days of the spring. My mind has blocked out most of it, but I remember shots ringing out and her body dropping next to mine. Everyone ran. No one was there for her. She died bleeding in my arms. That was the first time I ever lost someone I loved in death. First night I ever drank as well. My mom's boyfriend gave me a beer and told me that If I drank it. I wouldn't remember the hurt I felt. So every time a classmate died, I would find some alcohol to drink. It didn't make the pain go away, but Lord did it dull.

The trend continued for quite some time. Death, then drinking. Until it just became regular ol' drinking. And after a while, It stopped being gang violence and drive by’s. It became overdoses and suicides.”

Erika goes to grab another cigarette from her pocket and stops herself. Realizing her own folly. “I ain’t perfect Rue, and I do wanna help you. But I can't help someone who don’t even wanna see tomorrow. I’m too old for that kind of hurt. So I ask again, what do you want Rue?”

  
  


Rue finds her feet moving before she even speaks. “Tell Ali I said thanks for trying.”

She watches Erika sadly nod her head. “Tell him yourself.” Erika grabs her keys from her pockets and unlocks the door. 

Rue walks to her bike and tries to unlock it. Tears blurring her site. 

  
  


_**TWO WEEKS LATER** _

Rue walks down the hallway. Smelling the same bad coffee and stale donuts she has gotten used too.

She missed last week, because she felt so guilty walking in there high. It’s killing her now. 

She doesn't like the feeling in her feet and legs traveling up to her chest. It feels almost like a yearning to get into that meeting and maybe see Erika. She wants to pay attention and maybe learn something? She doesn't know. She will ignore it and continue to act as if it was because she had to travel on a gravel path in order to get to the community center from her new dealers spot.

The pills only weigh but so much, but they feel like anvils on her heart and soul. It's the first time she has ever felt guilt bringing the paraphernalia into the meeting.

She walks into the door and realizes the meeting has already started so she puts her head up and looks around for the somewhat familiar crown of hair. She walks in that direction and sits down next to Erika.

Erika shifts over a little so they aren't too close. Erika looks at her for a few seconds and turns back to Pervert Rick, who is presenting. Talking about how he hasn’t seen his kids in 10 years. 

She hears a slight whisper come from the side of her.

"What did you say?"

"I just wanted to apologize for a few weeks ago. Maybe I was a little harsh. Ali said he would pop my tires, if you didn’t come back to NA. Said I chased you away.”

Rue smiles tiredly. “You didn’t chase me away.”

They go silent for a minute two, until Rue hears a whisper next to her. “What did you say?”

“I asked, if you were sober right now?”

Rue keeps her head pointing forward but shakes her head no.

Erika looks ahead as well for a while until she gets the courage to speak again. "I won't give up on you Rue. Unless you ask me to. Should I walk away? I respect you enough to do so."

Rue keeps her face straight ahead watching as Miss Marsha steadily walks up on the stage to share. Patting Rick’s back. Tears start to pool in her eyes. She whispers to Erika and more so to herself. "Please don't give up on me."

**Author's Note:**

> All the lines in this story are based off of conversations I've had, discussions I've initiated and situations I have seen, put myself in and dragged myself out of. 
> 
> I have a four story arc that I have planned out. If that is something you are interested in, please let me know in the comments. 
> 
> I also need a beta reader and editor. Contact me on tumblr @ilbacciodellamorte if you think you can help. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.


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